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[Aug. 16th, 2008|12:06 pm] |
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So everyone has a friend who likes fireworks way too much. I'm that friend. I just spent a whole bunch of money driving to the ohio/indiana border (I live in ohio) to visit the world's largest firework store, Shelton Fireworks. While there I decided to pick up some everclear (which is also legal in indiana). Fireworks? Liquor? What could go wrong? |
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| This is by far the grossest thing I've seen for a while |
[Aug. 14th, 2008|05:08 pm] |
I'm sure most of you have already seen this, but whatever, you're gonna see it again. Why? Because I just saw it for the first time and I need to remind everyone of how annoying it is. That's right.
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| Mir ist kalt |
[Dec. 19th, 2004|12:09 am] |
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I have but recently returned from the vally of the shadow of death. I am rapturously breathing in all the odors and essences of life. I've been to the brink of total oblivion. I remember and ferment, as I have to remember everything. |
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| The last word |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|08:28 pm] |
Now, I wasn't trying to start any shit with the lunch-lady or anything, but...
Every time I go up there and order my food, they MUST have the last word! We'll have a brief small-talk thing going, then she'll hand me my change and say "ok, thanks" I say "no, thank you" she says "bye-bye" then I say "bye!" and just when I THINK that I've had the last word... "see you tomorrow!" I think "I can handle that" and I reply "alright" then she says "bye" AGAIN. YOU CAN'T SAY BYE TWICE! THAT'S CHEATING! SO I'm all "bye!" Then she says it AGAIN. WTF?!
So I just don't know what to do. This is a major problem for me because I've gotta have the last word (I'm OCD like that). In the last few days I've just been mumbling something that sounds like a word of phrase that she can't understand so that she can't reply to it, but I'm starting to run out of shit to say. What do I do? |
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| The list of things about me that are BAD |
[Sep. 7th, 2004|08:15 pm] |
1. I talk about people behind their backs
2. I don't tell people when I hate them, so I end up having friends who I secretly hate
3. I encourage my friends to start smoking
4. I tell vladimir's worst jokes when he's not around and then give him credit for the joke in order to make him seem less funny than he is.
5. I am very good at lying so I do it often and to my advantage
6. I lead people on
7. I make fun of people who are stupider than me (Note: stupider is a word, if you don't think so then go to hell: you're wrong.)
8. I ignore peoples' conservative points of view
9. I pretend that I am listening to headphones so that I don't have to talk to people I don't like
10. I pretend that I have to be somewhere to avoid spending time with my more boring friends
11. I don't capitalize the names of people I don't like
12. I'm not pro-life, I'm pro-death
13. I disagree with whatever somebody says during an argument to anger them
14. I dislike certain people for no reason
15. I like talking about people with bowel problems... to mock them. |
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| Merei |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|03:54 pm] |
I can't say that I'm writing this entry willingly. But I won't say exactly who's making me write it (You can take a wild guess).
So let's talk about Merei. Wow she is amazing. She's awesome and cool too. I spent let's say... I dunno, a few weeks with her last year when zee Germans were here and about a month this summer when we were in Germany together. Boy we had a lot of crazy mishaps. Yep. Like that time that Matt just shat out some random german after I predicted that he would. Hah, that was a good one. Or how about all those times that I tapped her on the shoulder and promptly pretended that it wasn't me. Oh I'll bet she was sick of that.
Speaking of which, I had a dream about that. I was sitting in blockbuster eating nachos at their sit-down and eat restaurant (no, the don't really have one, I just dreamed that they did). Anyway, I saw Merei walk in and I was like, "hey I should tap her on the shoulder and pretend that it wasn't me" So I get up and sneak around behind her (without her seeing me) and tap her on the shoulder. Instantly she turns around smiles and says "I knew it was you." That was the first time I was ever humilliated humiliated in a dream.
Or what about all those times that I got to watch her fight with Joe and Matt because they were being ass-hats? Oh those were good times.
What about that time that she threatened to cut off my right pinkey with a carrot-pealer if I didn't write about her in my LiveJournal? Hah! Joke's on her. I don't use that finger anyway! I do however use my ring finger quite often. I'd be mad if she took that one with a carrot-pealer.
I can't believe I just asked my chatroom for help writing this (I was running out of stuff to say at the time, but as it happens, I can now rant about them not helping me). This is what they say:
[15:30] Snoopy: Well, you should throw in somethoug about horses.
[15:30] Zok: Why horses? I hate them.
[15:30] Snoopy: Like, horses orgasming or pissing.
[15:30] Snoopy: Have you ever seen a horse piss?
[15:30] Snoopy: God damn, what POWER!
[15:30] Zok: You're sick.
[15:30] Snoopy: Or POWWA as our Japanese brothers would say.
[15:30] Goose: hhahahahah
[15:30] Zok: urg
[15:30] * Zok hits head on keyboard " bhgnz"
So, that's the last time I talk to Snoopy.
You know how they make milk, right? Well, they get this big thing of water, right? And they take a bunch of cows. Now since cows can't swim, they just dump them into the water and wait for them to take in the water. About 5 minutes after the cows have died, the milk floats to the top of the tub (milk is lighter than water) and they just skim it off (that's why they call it skim milk).
Poor Molly...
Oh yeah, I'm talking about Merei here. I almost forgot. Well, she's definitly awesome. Totally cool. I wish I were her. Definitly. Yep... |
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| Dear fat ugly lady in the movie theatre, |
[Aug. 1st, 2004|12:36 am] |
"You know what really pisses me off?"
"No, AJ, but we know you're going to tell us anyway."
"You're damn right I am!"
If I have to sit next to one more obnoxious person in the movie theatre, I actually am going to do something about it. Usually I'm just the kind of person who thinks lots of angry thoughts about a person then later, goes home and writes about it in his blog like the loser he is. Yes, that's me. I'm the asshole who makes fun of your ass on the internet because you can't seem to keep it shut during a movie.
Ok, everything's cool, I'm on my way to see the new movie The Manchurian Candidate. I knew that since it was opening night it would be full and I'd probably have to sit next to somebody that I didn't want to. Oh well, I can deal with strangers, I like strangers. So I sit down in my seat leaving a one seat buffer between me and the person next to me, just in case. No such luck. A few minutes before the movie starts, one of the ushers walks in and tells us all to move and close in the gaps because some asshole who decided to show up 5 minutes late can't sit with his ugly family. Oh no! Why do you need to sit with your family in the first place? It's not like you're going to be talking to them during the movie, and if you do, then I'll just shoot you. Problem solved!
So anyway, I scoot over next to the "big boned" woman who was sitting on the other side of my buffer. She looked like the kind of person who had a lot of stuffed animals at home. The kind of person who thinks she's cute, even though she's not. Anyway, the movie starts. Ten minutes in, she's giggling about shit that's not even supposed to be funny in order to prove that she understands the movie. I turn to give her a look. Nope, she's cuddling onto her date's arm. Poor him. As the movie goes on, this woman is loudly making it known whenever she figures something out. A plot twist occurs and she's the first one on the scene with, "oooooh!" or "I knew it" Just to clear up any doubt we had that she actually understands the movie. Yes, we get the point, you want us all to think that you're clever and understand the movie, can we move on?
Further into the movie when the mother (Meryl Streep) gives her son a particularly sexual look, she decides to let us ALL know that, "He's your son, he's your son!" Yes, we know. You don't need to tell the rest of us because guess what! We're all watching the same damn movie. If you're trying to come off as funny or clever by shitting out random "funny" comment during the movie it's not working. A better tactic at impressing the hell out of us would be shutting up. This is the same person as the guy who always says, "That must have hurt" after spiderman falls off the building. Does *anybody* *ever* think to themselves "that guy's da shit! He knows all the clever things to say during a movie"? NO!
Now, you're probably thinking, "oh, great, another rant about people talking in movies" If you are, go to hell. I'm still mad about it. Not only did this woman consistantly talk throughout the movie, but she smelled *so* bad. It wasn't a sweaty smell, it wasn't a perfume smell, and it definitly wasn't a poopy smell, it was a smell that I don't care to think about now because that's just not a topic that guys are comfortable talking about (if you know what I mean).
So for all of you idiots who have verbal diarrhea and can't seem to shut it: Just don't go to movies. Please. You can agree or disagree with the movie as much as you like IN YOUR OWN HEAD. I had a mentally challanged student in my biology class once (he wasn't retarted, he was just slow) who couldn't seem to stop announcing random crap that would happen in the classroom while the teacher was lecturing. The teacher finally just gave up and interrupted him whenever he did this by saying, "Use your inner-monolog, Mathew. Inner-monolog." Whatever happened to good ol' fashion shutting the hell up? |
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| The Middle Urinal |
[Jul. 29th, 2004|11:57 pm] |
Every man who has ever used a public restroom knows the troubles of the
middle urinal. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this woe, I
will go into a brief clarification:
When a man enters a public restroom, there will always be three urinals
or five urinals (occasionally four), don't ask me why, that's just how
it is. Now peeing is a spatial task as it is, but when you add the
standing-up factor into the equation it only makes things more
complicated than they already are. Most men dislike urinating directly
next to somebody else, so they use one of the side urinals. That seems
to solve the problem, right? Wrong. There are many offenders of this
common rule of courtesy. Some simply refuse to leave a one urinal gap
between the two of you (I call this the pee-buffer), when they do this
it eliminates the one urinal buffer between the two of you... that is
quite an uncomfortable situation.
The number one offender of this rule is the person who enters an empty
restroom and decides "hey, I'm alone.. I could use some room" and goes
ahead to take the middle urinal. THIS IS BAD! Why would you do this!?
You see, now if some one else enters the room, they are stuck. They
cannot urinate directly next to the person who is already there.
Standing around and "waiting in line" is just awkward because there are
TWO people and THREE urinals. When will people learn?
The best way to get out of this situation if you have already walked
into the restroom (from what I have experienced), is to pretend to wash
your hands until they leave. This way, you don't look stupid standing
around and you don't end up peeing next to some stranger. However, you
should also note: If the outer two urinals are taken, it is quite ok to
leave the middle one vacant. Most guys understand that you do not want
to pee next to them and will not give you a hard time. Just linger
behind the urinators and wait your turn.
You know, it makes you wonder why they even have the middle urinal.
Now whoever invented the urinal stall was a brilliant man (I'm assuming
it was a man...) The urinal stall is not actually a stall, it's just a
divider between the urinals, a piece of metal suspended by the wall.
Great invention! In fact, this kills two birds with one stone! I don't
have to pee next to somebody AND I don't have to worry about him
missing his urinal and causing splattering (I know, it's nasty, but it
happens).
I think the absolute worst is the trough. They only have these at
truck-stops so you may not know what this is. If you don't, imagine a
long narrow bathtub/sink contraption attached to the side of a wall
with small drains on the bottom. What on earth is this thing? It's too
low to be a sink. It's too high to be a foot washer. Oh no, it isn't...
is it? Yes, yes it is. This in fact is a urinal. I know, it's horrible.
You could be peeing into the same urinal as 5 other people... at once.
Here's a picture of one of these horrible death ponds:
Let's just pretend that we didn't see that. So men, do us all a favor and use proper urinal etiquette, it's worth it. Trust me.
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| pwnage |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|10:12 pm] |
For those of you who don't know where the word "pwn" came from, I'll
explain. When nerds get *really* frusterated on the internet and they
want to say that they "own" somebody they often hit the P key for one
of the following reasons: they see other people doing it and never
asked why, they are stupid, or they simply made a typo. But that's
bullshit. You can blame anything on a typo
<Loser432821> Hello everybody
<Zok> Lick my ass
<Loser432821> fuck you!
<Zok> *Hello
<Zok> Sorry, typo
You see? So for now on, whenever I socially outcast you by insulting your family heritage over the internet, it was a typo.
So on to the pwnage.
Here's a piece of candy that a good friend of mine (fromlag) pulled on
some unsuspecting newb in my chatroom #totse. fromlag is from japan...
not lag. We taught him most of the conversational english that he
knows... that should explain things a bit better.
[23:50] <fromlag> take a time for your good got tired
[23:52] <cosmo> ?
[23:52] *** Das_Troll (WinNT@cloak-316693EA.woh.rr.com) has joined #totse
[23:53] <fromlag> you shut the fuck your mouth up
[23:54] <cosmo> ...
Hahaha, I love lag.
Here's Weird Al making fun of fat people. I'm giggling already.
"There's nothing funnier than a person with a glandular problem, so we
like to incorperate them as much as possible... to mock them." ~Weird Al
I can't think of anything else to post. I'm sorry. Wait, no I'm not.
"No, no, no, you're looking at it all wrong. You didn't *take* advantage of her. She *gave* you advantage" ~Me
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| Dungeons and Dragons |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|11:02 am] |
In a few minutes from now I am about to partake in an event which has caused countless nerds to be beaten up in the locker room, tripped at lunch, or to have their calculators stolen.
Dungeons and Dragons is quite an old game where you design a character and all of his stats on a piece of paper and then walk around through towns, wastelands, and dungeons pretending to be this person. Of course, you don't actually do the wandering yourself... you pretend that too. Then you can meet elves and monsters and stuff and you can fight them... but you roll dice to fight them... yeah this sounds really lame.
Conclusion: I'm a dork.
Speaking of geeks, they aren't what people think they are. I'll briefly explain the difference between geeks, nerds, and dorks. A geek is somebody who has a great amount of intelligence in a particular field. For instance, I am a computer geek. One could also be a Starwars geek. A nerd however is somebody who is academically intelligent, one who gets good grades and is very book smart. A dork is just somebody who would like to be a nerd or geek but just isn't there yet. For instance, a starwars dork is like half of a starwars geek.
All three of these have a few particular element which can vary from one to another. For instance, dorks don't know how to dress at all. Nerds know how to dress but they dress the same for every instance - neat. Polo shirt, khakis, occationally a shirt and tie. Hair combed back or parted towards the side, thick glasses or at least thick rimmed, and usually don't brush their teeth too well. Geeks I have noticed have a great deal of style. I pride myself on being a geek. Of course, that's not to say that geeks can't dress poorly as well (example: RJ Rithaler). |
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| The first entry |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|02:08 am] |
Yes, this is it. I don't have much to say about it, but here goes. A (long) while back somebody told me about livejournals and I said "hah, that's stupid." Just recently a friend of mine gave me the link to hers and I thought to myself "I ought to do something stupid. I havn't done something like THAT for a while" So I did. And as you can see, one thing sort of led to another and well... Shut up.
I'm thinking this might be a bit dangerous for me to have. My thoughts aren't always complete but they're always hilarious (according to everybody except me (Sidenote: Are they laughing at me or with me?)).
No, I take all of that back. This way when I fail to be hilarious I'll have an excuse. I can simply say "Hey asshole, I never said that everything I say is hilarious." That'll teach them. |
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